How to Confidently Deal with Conflict

I have to tell you that I’m not great at handling conflict.  I’d much rather have things run smoothly and make sure that everyone gets along, works together, has fun and delivers great results, so when conflict happens I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

I tend to do what I can to set things up ahead of time for smooth sailing, and I’ve really had to work hard at dealing with conflict when and if it arises.  Here’s what I’ve found has worked for me.

1. Don’t make it personal

Sometimes it’s easy to let your emotions get tangled up in things, especially if someone’s disagreeing or even attacking your position.  Anger, blame, hurt and a bunch of other provocative emotions can be at play, and before you know it you’ve got a bigger problem than you ever thought.

Don’t make it personal – people are allowed to disagree with your position, just as you’re allowed to disagree with others.

By all means be passionate, but that’s not the same as being defensive or coming out on the offensive with all guns blazing.  The moment you start taking differences of opinion as personal criticism and judgement (even if that’s exactly what’s being thrown at you) you’ll be on the defensive or offensive, so balance that passion with the facts and a healthy sprinkling of common sense and perspective.

2. Get the facts

There could be facts you need to know about or areas you need to explore before taking action.  Make sure you go deep enough into those areas to figure out the facts of what’s happening, but don’t dwell on detail after detail after detail.

This is often a tricky balance between doing enough due diligence to be informed, checking in with your instincts and leveraging your experience to anticipate the different paths, and it means you have to put a hold on resolving the conflict until all parties can do their due diligence.

Be clear on what do you need to know and the most effective ways to get those answers.  Work that out with an open mind and you’ll be in a stronger position to move forwards.

3. Listen

If you do one thing, make sure you hear everyone and respect their point of view.  This is not the same as understanding everyone’s perspective (that can take a lifetime), but it’s important to have a healthy respect for their position even if you strongly disagree.

Listening demonstrates the value of the relationships you have and that you’re willing to listen and engage with others.  That can speak louder than any amount of yelling.

Also, it might just mean that you discover a way through that hadn’t occurred to you before, giving you the opportunity to use nuggets of gold from different people to create a way forward that’s a workable and effective compromise.

4. Simple assertion

You have the right to be treated with respect and consideration, and coolly asserting that right is a powerful strategy.

To do that you need to watch that things don’t get overly complex – the more complicated you make things the more complex it’ll be for people to unravel and the more complex it’ll be to communicate clearly.  Keep things simple (jot down bullet points if it helps) and figure out the simplest, most effective way to move forwards.

If you’re in a leadership position there’s often a point where the debate needs to be over, and you need to communicate that in a way that engages rather alienates.  You might not have all the answers, but you need to be confident enough to be able to make a good decision.  Then your job is to let people know coolly, simply and unambiguously what the facts are, the way forwards and what’s expected.

5. Be ready to be wrong

If you’re wrong, admit it.  Don’t hang on to your position just for the sake of wanting to be right – that’ll just get you into more hot water, is sure to waste everyone’s time and will probably end up with you looking or feeling silly.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking being wrong is undesirable, it isn’t.  Allowing yourself to be wrong shows that you’re switched on enough to do the best thing for all concerned and find the best route through.  It demonstrates that you’re lead by integrity and are willing to take on new ideas if they work better, even if that flies in the face of what you were thinking previously.

Be ready to be wrong – that’s how you grow.

7 Tips on How to Resolve Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully

Everyone has to deal with difficult people, whether they are argumentative, abusive, stubborn, or combative. The question is, how can you assert your own rights without creating an unnecessary incident?

In most cases, angry people are screaming to be heard. They want to be valued, loved, and listened to. They want to feel important but aren’t able to express themselves constructively. With the right attitude, it’s possible to get past these insecurities and reach an understanding.

These 7 strategies will help you setting disputes quickly and peacefully for the benefit of everyone involved:

1. Remain calm. Be still and say nothing. Let the storm run its course. Often times the angry person wants to provoke you. Arguing is ineffective because it raises barriers. Consider how I handled the barber situation.

2. Let the other person do the talking. He or she will soon grow tired of it. Sometimes that’s all they want. To be heard. To feel important. Everyone wants to feel important. Some people just express it in ways that are counterproductive.

3. Genuinely consider the other person’s point of view. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Never say “you’re wrong.” In fact, try hard to look for areas of agreement and build on them.

4. There’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….” This shows the other person you hear him/her. That’s all they usually want — to be validated. By agreeing with them, you gradually break down the other person’s anger.

5. If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it. Firmly but calmly state: “You’re very angry right now and you’re saying things you don’t mean (give them the benefit of the doubt). I’m going to excuse myself. We can talk again after you calm down.” Then leave the room or ask them to leave.

6. If you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility. You could say, “You’re absolutely right, it is my fault and here is what I’ll do to fix it.” Even if you’re NOT wrong, at least give them the benefit of the doubt, “I may be wrong, let’s look at the facts together.” It’s hard to argue with that!
These words have tremendous power. Not only does it validate the other person’s viewpoint but it also diffuses the tension. You might be surprised by what happens afterwards. The person could end up defending you. You’d be amazed how an attacker suddenly becomes an ally.

7. Use the power of visualization. If you’re dealing with someone you interact with on a daily basis (like a boss or co-worker), try to imagine that person as a loving spiritual being. I did this with a boss I had at a Wall Street bank several years ago. He was an absolute tyrant and gave everyone a hard time. In retrospect, he was clearly unhappy and insecure.

One day I started to visualize him as a loving grandfather. When he was in a good mood, he would lovingly talk about his grandchildren. His eyes and face would light up with incredible joy, leading me to realize there was a softhearted man behind the hard facade. Every morning before going to work, I imagined him romping around in the backyard on a warm, breezy day with his grandkids squealing and laughing with delight.

Long story short, this man promoted me almost 1 year later, in no small part due to the power of visualization. No one can dispute that this works because I’ve lived to tell the story. I’ve used it win trips to Mexico and Bermuda (sales contests at Merrill Lynch), to forgive those who have hurt me, to become the world’s first deaf instrument pilot, and to give powerful presentations.

Food for thought: Think about how you’ve dealt with difficult people in the past. Were you tempted to prove them wrong, trying to save face? Were you able to see through the facade and recognize that all they want is to be heard, loved and validated? Have you tried the power of visualization?

 

By Stephen Hopson

How Companies Talk About Unions

ince the industrial revolution, employees and organizations have been engaged in labor struggles. The premise is largely the same as it has ever been: Labor is a company's highest cost, and workers want to be rewarded for their efforts. But communication strategies within this struggle have changed tremendously over the years, especially on the part of business leaders. Contemporary labor communication helps organizations remain union free and improves the relationship between management and employees, improving the overall work environment.

In the past, attempts by organizations to remain union free typically evoked mental images of the Pinkerton National Detective Agency and its caustic tactics, or other violent means to stop union organizing. However, corporate leaders quickly recognized that these measures were counterproductive to the success of the organization. This recognition, along with the passage of the National Labor Relations Act in 1935, drastically changed the way organizations approached remaining union free.

Following the enactment of the National Labor Relations Act, organizations turned toward industrial-organizational psychology, management theories, and labor law to avoid unionization. Consultants with training in industrial-organizational psychology and management theories began working to help leaders understand the complexity of relationships among people in an organization. Additionally, as labor laws increased and became more complex, organizations as well as consultants turned to labor attorneys and firms to help interpret these laws and understand their legal rights during union campaigns. In an article by Bruce E. Kaufman and Paula E. Stephan, that examined the role of management attorneys on union organizing, the authors state that management law firms may have been more influential in union avoidance than consultants.

Union avoidance consultants and firms have been partnering with companies to help them remain union-free since the early twentieth century. An article by John Logan that discusses the history of union avoidance notes that until the late 1970s and early 1980s, employers thought of unionization as almost inevitable and approached union-avoidance strategies with apprehension, for fear of unions retaliating. This anxiety can be partially attributed to communication within organizations prior to the early 1980s. Up until that point in time, communication about collective bargaining was kept between union officials and the organization's industrial relations staff, isolating employees and top management from the bargaining process. This bargaining structure gave unions stronger negotiating abilities and led to larger contracts, including those that applied to multiple organizations, such as the Teamster's "National Master Freight Agreement." According to Kochan et al., this bargaining structure was largely ineffective in the changing marketplace.

As the corporate landscape continued to evolve and employers became more emboldened to speak out against unionization , they also recognized the need for reorganization of communication flow within the company to achieve more bargaining strength. This recognition sparked a major departure from the former isolated bargaining structure that alienated employees and management to one that decentralized information flow and made information available to all members of the organization. Soon, members of management were actively engaging in discussions about the organization's well-being and the threat of unionization with employees. They were breaking down the management versus employee barrier and approaching unionization as a threat to everyone's interests, not just those of management. Using data from a survey conducted by The Conference Board between 1977 and 1983 regarding management-industrial relations strategies, Chalykoff and Cappelli corroborate this shift, pointing out that in 1983, priority shifted from management industrial relations strategies that used best-bargaining solutions to strategies that worked proactively to keep organizations union free.

This shift paved the way for organizations to implement strong union avoidance strategies. With the expert help of union avoidance resources, companies also began improving management-employee relationships by providing honest information about union organizing and its potential impact on the organization, the employee, families, and the community. By the 1990s, union-avoidance had developed into a robust industry. Contemporary firms now offer cost-effective solutions that help organizations create a proactive labor strategy, even before they are ever targeted by unions.

With the current economic crisis, EFCA legislation looming, and unionization slowly rising (union membership was up to 12.4 percent in 2008 from 12.1 percent in 2007 ), it is imperative that business leaders take advantage of the expertise of union-avoidance professionals to create a healthy work environment for everyone and remain union free. Today, companies are taking notice of key communication tools from videos to websites to interactive eLearning. Each of these tools is designed to give all members of the organization information about union organizing, including their rights during a union organizing drive. The key to remaining union free is for management and employees to communicate openly, honestly, and effectively.

An organization is only as strong as the employees who comprise it. Don't let unions reduce your strength. Ensure all members of your organization understand your company's union-free philosophy. The experience and expertise of union-avoidance resources can help accomplish this and empower your organization to remain union free and successful.

 

by Walter Orechwa

Omgaan met conflicten: Mindfulness

Mindfulness kan een grote hulp kan zijn in het omgaan met conflicten. Hoe meer je jezelf defensief opstelt bij een conflict, hoe moeilijker het wordt om een oplossing te vinden. Met gezag kan je je wil misschien wel opleggen aan anderen, maar op een dieper niveau blijft het conflict vaak bestaan. Vaak blijft zo'n conflict ook in je hoofd spoken, je bedenkt dan wat je nog had kunnen zeggen of doen. Meestal gebeurt dat vrij onbewust, wat ervoor zorgt dat je nooit echt rust vindt.

Door aandachtsoefeningen leer je zien hoe en wanneer je reageert op een conflictsituatie. Zolang je voelt dat de emotie de overhand heeft, wordt je interpretatie sterk verwrongen. Zelfs als je denkt dat je het bij het rechte eind hebt, zullen oordelende en emotioneel geladen woorden zelden goed aankomen. Dit besef leert je beter omgaan met conflictsituaties. Je leert je reactie uit te stellen tot je rustig en rationeel over de situatie kan oordelen.

Nicolai vertelde hoe hij geërgerd raakte toen zijn collega hem confronteerde met een onredelijk verzoek. Door zijn aandacht in de eerste plaats op zijn gevoelens te richten, kwam hij tot rust en realiseerde zich dat het beter was om niet onmiddellijk te reageren. In die situatie, zei hij achteraf, zou hij zonder de aandacht brokken gemaakt hebben. Hij reageerde niet onmiddellijk, maar richtte zijn aandacht op zichzelf. Achteraf kon hij zichzelf in alle rust afvragen ‘Hoe kan ik hier best mee omgaan? en een weloverwogen, rationeel antwoord formuleren.

Oefening: STAR (in relatie treden met anderen)
Stop
Tune in
Ask
Respond

Bron: Vacature.com i.s.m. Mindfocus

Omgaan met conflicten

Een conflict met een collega of uw baas is vervelend maar hoeft niet negatief uit te pakken. Soms kan het heel verhelderend werken om elkaar de waarheid te vertellen. Maar hoe hou je het netjes? Conflicten met collega's zijn bijna niet te vermijden. U brengt zo'n acht uur per dag door in elkaars gezelschap en bent soms ook afhankelijk van de prestaties van een ander. Uit een onderzoek blijkt dat arbeidsconflicten in te delen zijn in twee soorten: taakinhoudelijke- en sociaal-emotionele conflicten. Meningsverschillen over de verdeling van het budget of de te volgen strategie, vallen onder taakinhoudelijke conflicten. Deze kunnen vervelende situaties en gesprekken opleveren, maar zijn wel nuttig omdat ze de creativiteit stimuleren en meestal leiden tot een betere beslissing. Probeer dit soort conflicten dus actief op te lossen. Onderhandel met de collega over een oplossing. Benoem de verschillende inzichten, zoek een uitkomst. Wanneer u denkt er gemakkelijk vanaf te zijn door het onderwerp te vermijden of snel toe te geven aan de ander, kost dit u uiteindelijk veel meer energie. Werknemers die een conflict ontlopen, kunnen daar stress en gevoelens van burn-out aan overhouden. Het is bovendien slecht voor uw zelfbeeld omdat u het gevoel krijgt dat u over u heen laat lopen.

Sociaal-emotionele conflicten zijn ernstiger. Deze gaan over de manier waarop collega's met elkaar omgaan en worden bijvoorbeeld veroorzaakt doordat persoonlijkheden botsen. Sociaal-emotionele conflicten hebben invloed op het psychische welzijn van werknemers. Wanneer twee collega's elkaar niet liggen, kan een simpel zakelijk meningsverschil snel een emotionele lading krijgen. Conflicten die zoveel emotionele lading hebben, zijn moeilijk op te lossen. Bij dit soort conflicten kan het beste de hulp van een buitenstaander worden ingeroepen. Een neutrale blik van een derde helpt de emotie rond het conflict weg te halen. Dit kan een andere collega zijn of een leidinggevende. Ook kunt u denken aan iemand van buitenaf, een onafhankelijke bemiddelaar of mediator. Deze helpt de ruziënde collega's zelf de oplossing voor hun conflict te vinden. Hierdoor krijgen ze inzicht in hun ruziegedrag.

Tips om met conflicten om te gaan:
Schiet niet meteen in de verdediging wanneer een collega kritiek heeft. Een defensieve instelling kan nare gevoelens aanwakkeren en geeft de ander de indruk dat zij gelijk heeft.
Wees er op tijd bij. Een conflict dat nog niet lang speelt is veel gemakkelijker op te lossen dan een gevorderde ruzie. Hoe langer conflicten voortduren des te moeilijker het is om nog een compromis te sluiten.

Na een flinke woordenwisseling kan het geen kwaad om een time out te nemen. Laat het onderwerp een paar dagen liggen, dan kijkt u er beiden wat rationeler naar.
Als blijkt dat uzelf fout zat in het conflict, geef dit dan toe zonder uitvoerige verontschuldigingen of verdediging. Zeg gewoon het spijt me dat heb ik verkeerd aangepakt.

Bron: http://www.stichtingpandora.nl

Hoe ga jij om met conflicten op het werk?

http://www.start.nl/cgi-bin/conflicttest.pl

Tips over conflicthantering

Zie de angst in je collega. Hij kan niet anders dan zich neurotisch gedragen. Als je het kleine jongetje in hem ziet, raakt hij zijn bedreiging kwijt. (Steven Pont)

De kunst is het moeilijke gedrag van anderen te leren relativeren. Ergernissen worden veroorzaakt door de werkrelatie en door je eigen kijk op de lastige collega. (Kees Hoogduin)

Een geïnteresseerde basishouding, vermijden van strijd en meegaan met weerstanden zijn belangrijke beginselen om te voorkomen dat er een gespannen sfeer ontstaat. Dit advies krijgen hulpverleners in de Geestelijke Gezondheidszorg. (Kees Hoogduin)

Ga niet het conflict vermijden. Dan gaat de ruzie ondergronds verder smeulen en ontstaat de spreekwoordelijke veenbrand. Het blootleggen van een conflict is nu eenmaal nodig om de relatie te herstellen. (Corine de Jong)

Alleen verstandelijk beredeneren waardoor het conflict is ontstaan is niet genoeg. De botsing is emotioneel. Op het werk wordt altijd gezegd dat we het zakelijk moeten houden, maar in werkelijkheid zindert het er van de emoties. (Corine de Jong)

Opmerkingen als ‘ik vertrouw je niet’, ‘je bent een leugenaar’ of de nette variant ‘mevrouw heeft er altijd blijk van gegeven dat ze niet betrouwbaar is’ hakken er enorm in. Mensen zijn tot diep in hun hart gekwetst door dit soort opmerkingen. (Corine de Jong)

Corine de Jong is mediator, Kees Hoogduin